I think it’s quite funny for me to be writing something like this and not for the reasons you think. Back in my first blog post “Take Back The A” I said and I quote “As I am cisgendered and not very educated on the agender community…” just nine months on I’ve discovered that is not the case and I’m in fact not cisgendered, and my gender is fluid between agender and female. Or otherwise known as genderfluid / Non-Binary
So I guess this is my coming out post part 2. With “Take Back The A” being part 1 (well kind of, the only places I’m “out” are online). Discovering that I was Non-Binary came when I sat down with myself and thought “what does it feel like to be a girl”. Because I honestly couldn’t answer that question. I may “look” like one but only rarely did I actually feel like one. Most of the time when it comes to gender I feel like the shrug emoji…
I think a huge part of me not figuring out that I was Non-Binary (much like with asexuality and aromanticism) is that without Tumblr I would’ve known near to nothing about it. For clarification someone who is Non-Binary is someone who doesn’t fit the gender binary of “male” or “female”. I think there’s a lack of education when it comes to Non-Binary identities because there is this “gender binary”. As in a person has to fit being either “male” or “female”, which isn’t the case for some people like me. The “gender binary” is also the reason why certain toys, clothes etc have been, I guess, gendered. For example make-up is seen as feminine where as cars are seen as masculine. Why do we feel the need to gender everything? Because spoiler alert these objects don’t have a gender.
Coming to terms with being Non-Binary was different to how I came to terms with being asexual and then coming to terms with being aromantic. I think mainly because I grew up thinking I was cis. I didn’t come across as the typical Non-Binary person. I “looked” female, I always have. And by this I mean long hair, boobs etc. Even though personally I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way, maybe only rarely. I think it really hit me once that I really was Non-Binary was when I was at my old work place and one of my co-workers called me a girl and my automatic reaction (in my head) was I’m not a girl. It was really then that I truly began to accept myself, and explore my gender identity.
As I’ve come to accept myself more, even though I’m not out to my family. I’ve come to notice the more I’m misgendered the more uncomfortable I get. I’ve noticed I’m misgendered a lot with my hair down as a girl. Yet with my hair up sometimes I get misgendered as a boy. It happened at least twice at my old work place by the customers. Have I accepted myself enough to come out to anyone other than people online? Honestly no, it’s the same with my asexuality and aromanticism and it’s not because I haven’t accepted myself fully because I have. It’s because I don’t think they are educated enough on the topics to understand my gender identity. And I feel like they wouldn’t understand, and explaining it to them would make too much of a hassle. Also from personal experiences I’m not sure if my parents, especially my mum would be 100% accepting (I’ve heard conversations she’s had about bi people and I just I’d hate to hear her thoughts on people who are genderfluid i.e. me)
I’ve had to come to terms with not all Non-Binary people are androgynous because I’m certainly not. For me I look better with long hair, I’ve never in my life liked my hair short. So I guess I have the “privilege” as passing as a girl, even though I’m not one. But it doesn’t feel great when I’m misgendered as one when my gender doesn’t feel like a girl’s.
I guess you could say I’m more agender than a girl because I rarely feel like a girl. But there are days or moments during a day when I do. Maybe in the future my gender will become less fluid and I’ll be 100% agender. But for now I’m fluid between female and agender. So I guess the last thing to say is my pronouns are both she/her and they/them.
To my fellow enbys your gender is flawless, you’re wonderful, and you rock.
A/N: as of 2017, even though I’m writing this in 2018, I’ve come to accept that my gender is no longer fluid and that I’m okay with just identifying as non-binary. My pronouns are now just they/them, and if I had to be specific about my gender I would say I’m agender.